엄마 ...

I had a dream last night that my dad called me over to come home quickly because I had a packet in the mail that was from Korea about my adoption.  I got a big envelope of information.  Some were forms I already have from my adoption file and then there were new pages.  I saw pictures of my birth mother in my dream.  There were pages of new information about things surrounding my adoption. And there was definitely more things about my birth mother than my birth father.

I've never had a dream like this before.  I don't know if it's because I've been having talks with some of my friends about being adopted or that I am going to be in Korea in around 20 days.  It was scary...but absolutely the coolest thing to see a picture of my birthmother in my dream, even though I know that was her.  But you never know, dreams are crazy.  Is this a foreshadowing or perhaps a metaphor for something else?

So I'll answer the question some of you are probably wondering: Will I search for my birthparents when I'm in Korea? 

My best answer is that is not my biggest priority while I'm over there, nor a major factor in me going to Korea.  Getting TESOL experience, learning the language and culture, seeing friends....that is why I'm going.  Yes, I absolutely want to visit an orphanage while I'm there but I don't know if I can seek out my birthmother with a conscious heart.  It's not like America where having kids outside of being married is completely acceptable.  There's so much stigma and bad things that can happen.  I decided back in high school when I turned down my first Korea trip that I wanted protect my birthmother from ever feeling any pain because she did the same to me by giving me to my amazing family.  If I feel in my heart that it's okay to seek her out privately, I'll make small attempts.  But for now, I am content praying for her health and well-being and constantly thanking her for being the best mom she could be to me and giving me up for adoption.  I have a mom that loved and carried me for nine months and now I have the best family that I could ever ask for.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

my dream.

The first picture my parents received of me

I got the job offer with Samsung.  There is a whole story behind it that I'll save for another time but I have to say, this is surreal.  There's a lot that needs to come together in order for me to go, financially, scheduling, getting about a million things done.  Right now, it seems impossible and my over analytic, sociological mind is telling me I can never do it.  But my heart is telling me this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I've had this idea to teach English in Korea since I was 17 and it's been a long road to get to even having the chance to go.  I'm nearing my college graduation and here I am with a job offer.  I want to be excited, jump up and down, shout, be so happy...but it's unreal.  Mainly because I don't know if I have the means to get to Korea financially but honestly, knowing your dreams are coming true is quite possibly the scariest moment in your life.  It means all of your hard work paid off.  It means change.  It means taking risks.  It means accepting the fact that something great has happened to you.

I've dreamed for so long what it will be like to step foot on the country I was born in.  The love and support from my family, friends, professors has been amazing.  There are so many times where I think other people just don't understand what it's like to be an adoptee but this unwavering support just shows me how much you all love me and want to help me fulfill my dream.

Sending Hyunwoo back to Korea 6 years ago..we would live only 30 min away if I accept the job

The chance to see my birth country.  Finally being able to reconnect with Hyunwoo for the first time in six years.  Learning Korean so I can practice what I preach about the importance of bi-lingual education.  Gaining valuable experience as a future ESL teacher.  Paying off debt.  Saving for grad school.  Not working at Applebee's with a bachelor's degree.  Connecting with other adoptees and orphans. Not being one of those people who never step out of what is comfortable.  Seeing the world.  Gaining a better understanding of who I am, where I came from, and what has shaped me into the woman I am today...

All these things are reasons why I want this so badly.  Thank you to everyone who is supporting me, sending words of encouragement, pulling strings for my graduation, giving extensions, listening to me whine and be crazy, letting me know how much I will be missed....thank you for believing in my dream.

It's coming true...I just have to decide the time I want it to come true.